Journaling, as a basic form of writing, is therapeutic—at least it is for me, and, from what I've learned, for many others as well.
Throughout my life I've kept a journal, a practice that has evolved significantly over the past five years as I integrated it with talk therapy. Writing offers me a way to navigate the complex thoughts and emotions that arise from therapy sessions, while therapy in turn provides a dedicated space to reflect on the insights and revelations uncovered through my journaling. The interplay between writing and therapy has become essential to deepening my self-awareness and improving my overall well-being.
Over the course of last weekend, spanning three days, I experienced a sort of breakthrough. While no entirely new revelations emerged, it did illuminate painful life events from my twenties that I had believed I had moved on from—at least, on a conscious level.
And even though I had processed the grief stemming from these events, it never truly goes away does it? The impact of grief and trauma may soften over time, as mine has, but it remains a part of one's narrative. The genesis of this realization emerged during a therapy session I had last week, my first in four months. It turned out to be an occurrence of transference, though it wasn’t apparent to me until later.
After the session ended, I started feeling uneasy, but unable to pinpoint the reason. That night, I woke up an hour after falling asleep and couldn't go back to sleep. In moments like these, I often turn to writing to unravel my emotions and regain clarity - and sleep! Writing helped me process my feelings, eventually revealing that I had experienced transference with my therapist.
The next morning, I continued to write, experiencing one "aha" moment after another (aha as defined by Gestalt Therapy), throughout the weekend. Without the transference I experienced with my therapist, I doubt that what had been lingering in my subconscious would have ever come to light in my conscious mind.
Honestly, it was pretty astonishing. It felt like the tumblers of a giant vault lock finally clicking into place, unlocking the door to my innermost self. As that door swung open, past traumatic events were illuminated, and I gained a profound understanding of those and subsequent events in my life like never before. Consequently, there was a flood of emotions to process alongside this newfound clarity.
I had another session with my therapist on Thursday to discuss everything that had surfaced. As with most profound self-realizations, it takes time to integrate what we've learned into our lives and weave it into our personal narratives.
In a serendipitous moment, I was flipping through the Omega Institute catalog in Rhinebeck, NY, and discovered an upcoming workshop focused on healing through embodied writing. Given recent events, I promptly signed up.
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I'm currently taking a class on contemporary poetry that has sparked my motivation to write more poetry. Feeling bold (or perhaps a bit crazy), I sent some of my poems to the instructor. She kindly provided feedback on two of them, and for the third, she pointed out what I had done well, and didn't suggest any changes, both of which thrilled me! In addition to this class, I've also signed up for a poetry writing course starting in July, along with one other writing course. I've also registered for a poetry conference in September where Padraig Ó Tuama and Jane Hirshfield will be speaking—an event I'm excited about.
I feel a bit like I did when I was 10 years old, bravely leaping from a high dive into deep water. Why am I diving into all of this? I'm determined to grow as a writer. Poetry, in particular, resonates deeply with me as it often feels like the truest interpreter of the language of my heart.
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I began this piece by reflecting on the therapeutic power of journaling, and I'll end on that note too. Writing has been my anchor since grade school when I would jot down my fears and secrets and hide them between my mattress and box springs. Writing has been a constant companion in making sense of the world and understanding myself. From a young age, I've aimed for honesty on the page, capturing truths as best as I could. Writing is not just therapeutic; it both comforts and nourishes my soul.
Thanks for reading, and I look forward to catching up with all of you soon!
For a writer, I've been surprisingly resistant to journaling for years. Letters From Love is the first consistent practice I've had in this area. I think I was just so goal-driven that I wanted all my writing to be FOR something (other than healing I guess, which is probably where it's been the most useful!)
Hi Susan and all the lovely women who've commented. I resonate so deeply with everything that's been shared. I guess what I'm struck by is we are just as never alone as we think we are. It seems grief and trauma are truly universal. For so long I thought I was not only alone but unique. Everyone needed to step back because "you don't understand what happened to me." Mine was worse. I was always comparing mine with yours.
Today I hold it differently. It's been metabolized differently and what I know is that I needed the strength and love of others to walk next to me when I couldn't even crawl. I needed to allow Love in to those crevasses where everything had been shattered, those places where I'd gone and died, stopped breathing, re-shattered myself in so many horrific ways.
I never thought there was a space where I'd be able to exist with it, let alone breathe or live, truly live with it. Never. But oh, there is. Such a place does exist and I still can not believe it. I must share this with those who are still in the depths because when I was there I would have given ANYTHING for someone to tell me that. To just give me THAT one piece of information. There IS another side to it all.
I can't imagine my life without journaling, I think my first one was in 4th grade. It had gold embossed letters on the front that said, "My Diary" and it had a little strap with a lock and key. I loved it! I have been writing ever since and have saved every notebook I've ever journaled in! There is something so powerful that happens when I put pen to paper, every single time.
I'm so grateful to see the similarities in all you beautiful women have shared. ❤️